How To Make Your Point And Gain Respect
Robert, “Because you can - should you, because you should - can you?”
Think of communication as having five modes; blame, record, accommodate, digress, and assertive.
The blamer feels victimized and helpless so blames others. Blaming others will never help you.
The recorder is not sure what to say or do so says and feels little while recording everything that is said. Recording will buy you time when you’re not certain how to proceed.
The accommodator is threatened by intense emotion and attempts to smooth things over and accommodate the other person in an effort to calm them. Accommodating will calm the other person when emotions are high.
The digresser is indecisive as to what to do and switches between each of the other modes as their thoughts change. Digression is confusing and rarely effective.
The assertive communicator shows respect for them self and others by listening to the other person and by speaking their thoughts, feelings and expectations. They tell it as they see it and expect you to do the same. Assertiveness is always your best choice but isn’t always easy or necessarily your first choice.
When you’re not sure what to say or do – record. If the other person is upset – accommodate, at least temporarily. When the time is right choose to be assertive.
Assertiveness is always a choice. It’s choosing to listen and respond in a proactive way. Most people are aggressive or passive by nature. Passive people don’t care about saying what’s important to them; aggressive people don’t care about what’s important to you. Assertive people on the other hand need to stand up to aggressive people and tone it down in order to draw out passive people.
Assertive people consider everyone’s needs and concerns and hold themselves and others accountable for their actions.
Tips for assertive communication:
- Use “I” statements declaring your feelings with an explanation of why.
- Describe unacceptable behaviors and your expectations for the future.
- Accept responsibility for your actions.
- Remain flexible in achieving a mutually beneficial solution.
- Avoid defensiveness or making the other person defensive.
The following techniques will help you avoid the blame game and focus on what’s important.
Negative inquiry
In order to soften the blow, it is helpful to ask a question rather than make a direct statement. Let me explain - If someone, in a meeting, is getting off topic gently remind them what the issues are by asking, "I'm confused, how does this relate to finding a solution?" This is more palatable than exclaiming that the person is getting off topic. If their comment does relate you haven't put your foot in your mouth and if it doesn't, they will realize that it doesn't.
Negative assertion
When you make a mistake, admit it. Negative assertion is nothing more than owning up to mistakes you've made. You may recall that time when you made a mistake, tried to cover it up, and someone found out. It's likely that that person has never allowed two to forget about it. The fastest way to get rid of mistakes and downplay it’s importance is to admit you made one and move on.
Separate the issues
Some people try to manipulate you buy confusing the issues. For instance, a friend comes in and says, "you're my best friend and I know you would never let me down. I need to borrow your laptop, is that OK?" Now what this person has done is to link your friendship to a request. Respond to each individually. How? Simply say, "I am your friend; unfortunately, I don't loan my laptop."
Disagree, without a disagreeable
Focus on the issues not the person.
When you disagree with someone don't start with what you disagree with. Start instead by agreeing with something, anything. I'm a firm believer you should listen 101 percent to what a person says. That means listen for the 1 percent you agree with an agree 100 percent with that before you state what you disagree with. This sets the tone and invokes the law of reciprocity that suggests that you respond to me in the same way that I respond to you. When you start by agreeing you're saying that person, "I agree with you in principle and just a few things we need to discuss."
Listen
Communication is about sharing - sharing understanding, sharing meaning and sharing mutual respect for each other's rights. Each person is entitled to their own feelings and expectations. Nothing is more affirming than to actually be listened to. Be sure to listen for understanding. If you want to be listened to, listen to the other person. Remember the law of reciprocity.
Fogging
Fogging involves obscuring your position by agreeing with something, at least in principle. You could agree with part of a statement, an assumption or with general truths implied in the discussion. For instance you might disagree with a statement but rather than saying you disagree you say, “You might be right if…” If you were late getting a report in and you’re accused of always being late with your reports focus on the truth – this report was late.
Broken Record
The broken record is a technique used to stop the other person from changing the topic. For instance when someone is late and you’re discussing their tardiness the other person tries to change the subject by saying., George was late. What are you going to do about that.” You respond by saying, “That’s between George and I. We’re discussing your tardiness.” You continue to play the broken record until they accept ownership for their own behavior.
Assertiveness is not about techniques – it’s about respect. Respect for yourself and for others. It is who you are. It is an approach to life, a way of being. It’s a choice you make.
In summary when you’re not sure what to say – record. When the person is venting – placate. When the time is right assert.
