The System
Recipes get you started when you don't know where to start. Instructions guide your actions when you're uncomfortable doing something. Directions get you somewhere when you don't know how to get there. These are all systems.
Systems change behavior. Following is a system for confronting a difficult person will do the same.
Definition of a difficult person: A person who continues to do something that's unreasonable and nonproductive even after you've made a request for him to stop doing it.
How a difficult person acts after you've made a request:
· Out right refuses to comply.
· Says he'll comply but doesn't.
· Won't accept responsibility for his part in the problem and transfers it all on to someone else or reflects it back on to you.
· Disappears and can't be found when there's a problem.
Stop your self-defeating behaviors:
· Don't be quiet and reserved then get upset when others don't ask your opinion – speak up.
· Don't be afraid to face contentious issues and conflict – learn to focus on the issues and not the person.
· Don't be a Pollyanna and be afraid to discuss negative outcomes – do some worst-case scenario planning.
· Don't act super tough and indifferent – let the person know that you care about them, their actions and working together more effectively.
· Don't act like a computer and avoid expressing your emotions – express how your feel.
· Don't be a perfectionist – look for improvement not perfection.
Here's what to do:
1. Identify the person involved and the importance of the relationship. The person with the least to lose is in the most powerful position.
2. Determine the worst that can happen if you say something or take an action.
a. If you can't live with the worst-case scenario do nothing.
b. If you can live with the worst-case scenario do this:
i. Acknowledge that things aren't going well.
ii. Describe your perception of the situation.
iii. Ask what each of you can do to make this work.
3. Work together to identify an outcome you both can live with.
4. Devise a plan to achieve it and follow up.
5. Praise any all positive changes and desirable behaviors.
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